NO UNSOLICITED QUERIES

Alright. I'm going to assume here that most of you out there who read these pieces on PNN are writers as well; I think that this is correct.
So what I'm going to write about today is a question that has been bugging me for several months now.
It has to do with literary agents.
It has to do with being SOLICITED.
Did you know that there are many agents out there who don't accept unsolicited scripts?
Yes I'm sure you all know that but
This is the one that really confuses me.
There are agents out there who don't accept UNSOLICITED QUERIES
NO UNSOLICITED QUERIES
I don't know. Am I crazy- or does that sound like it's straight out of Alice in Wonderland
 Watch.
So what these people are saying - is that you can't ask them a question until they ask you to ask them a question.
Yeah but...?
Yeah but..?Did you say yeah but?
I did.
Was that a question?
It was.
No unsolicited questions
 BANG Kaplunk.End of story.
You see what I'm saying there?
So why do these guys advertise? If what they're saying is that they don't want new business
It would like putting an ad in the Yellow Pages that says we make great double pane windows but we don't want your business.
.
Okay- NOW let's talk about the choice of words here
Soliciting- am I crazy - or does that have a very SEXUAL ring to it?
Like standing on a street corner with fish net stockings?
 It is a curious choice of words. No?
Standing on the corner of Santa Monica Boulevard and La Brea with your wig and your fishnet stockings and some guy in a Porsche stops and says to you How Much?
And you say 10 % on domestic rights and 12 _ percent on Foreign.
And the guy screams get out of here and peels his tires as he takes off towards Hollywood..
 Now "query"- that's another one-does that word not that sound very wimpy to you.
It's like it's too scared to b e a question so it's just a little query;
- Oh please- will you please - oh god did I say that??? Forgive me., I didn't mean it
Would you won't you- oh please pretty please.
That's what the word query sounds like to me
From the very instant that you approach one of these guys with a QUERY you are reducing yourself to a mumbling drooling moron. No?
Ahhhh please...?

So let's go way back to the beginning.
To Moses.
Now Moses has this great idea for a movie.
I mean this movie is going to be BIG.
BIG BIG BOX OFFICE ATTRACTION.
What's it called?
It's called THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.
Oh My - that does sound quite quite - I don't know- maybe too theatrical?
It'll work. I swear it'll work.
So what does he do? He goes to Hollywood to sell his movie.
Now keep in mind here that Moses has a stutter- true story - the guy really did have a stutter- but let's leave that for now.
So he gathers up his white robes and his white beard and his staff which is really his walking stick and he heads for Wilshire Boulevard in down town Beverly Hills.

And he finds a payphone on the corner of Canon Drive and Wilshire and he finds some quarters - which he had to have changed from his own Egyptian drachmas (Look- I don't know what they were called but it seems everything in those days was called drachmas) and he has the Yellow Pages and he starts calling around to all these agents.
No.
No?
No.
No.
No one will read his script because it's unsolicited
But..?
But - did you say BUT?
I..I...d...d...d..did.
No unsolicited queries.
B-B- B- BUT
BANG they hang up.
So Moses is really discouraged and he's tired and he's miserable so he goes back to
the desert-
I don't know how he got there because he didn't have any of those frequent flyer miles- but he does- he gets back to the desert and he sees all his People waiting for him- the Israelites- and they all say "New?"
And Moses just shakes his head. and
And all the Israelites -they all say "Oyy"
and they go back to building these horrible heavy pyramids. "Maybe even if he had gotten an option".. one of them whispers "We could've blown this town"
"In your dreams- Hershel.. in your dreams..".
"Wait" says Hershel "I got this great idea for a song. I'm thinking maybe I'll take it to Nashville.
It's called.. It's called LET MY PEOPLE GO-... what d'ya think. Is that classy or what?
Perfect for a Motown Label. No?"
"Face it Hershel" whispers Mordechai "Without an agent we ain't never going to sell anything' and if we don't sell anything we ain't never getting out of here."
"Yeah but think of it we get some big black guy to sing it for the demo and wammo that's it- we‘re rolling in drachmas."

And they all look at out at Moses who is shaking his head and whispering Not even an option. - Moses came back from Beverly Hills without even an option
He's very sad and he looks out at all his people who are sweating and shaking from carrying these heavy stones and he climbs to the top of Mount Sinai to tell God his troubles.
And he's looking up at Heaven and God is sitting up in his white clouds and he's wearing his white robes and his long white beard and he's looking down at Moses
And Moses is trying to tell God what happened in Beverly Hills :
I s-s-s-swear i-i- - i-i-
And God yells SPIT IT OUT KID. Just tell me what happened
And finally Moses just shakes his head and whispers Sh- Sh- Sh SHMUCKS- They are all SUCH SHMUCKS..
And God gets so mad when he hears what happened to Moses that he breathes fire which accidentally sets fire to this bush beside Moses in the dessert.
What re you doing? Screams Moses - Are you crazy? You could've hurt me.
And God screams
YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHING YET KID.
And Plunk I mean  really loud PLUNK God throws down these really heavy stone tablets - which miss Moses by a quarter of an inch
Will you quit that? screams Moses-are you trying to kill me or something???
Now keep in mind here that when Moses got really mad he stopped stuttering
I don't know why that was.. but it was.
And Moses looks at these stone tablets and he whispers
Wh- wh- what's th- this?
"Just read them" yells God "It'll give you something to do until I get back"
"Where are you going?" screams Moses
I am going to find me an agent whispers God


Oy says Moses
Oyy say all the Israelites
And so it was that in the year 12 BC God packed up all his halos and his forks of lightening and .. and he packs up his secret MANUSCRIPT which is all in tatters because he's been working on it secretly for 762 years and he heads for Beverly Hills to find an agent. For his very own book.
I'm thinking- what d'ya think of this for a title...he whispers to the guy beside him on the plane-and his eyes get all misty and he looks off into the distance and he whispers'

THE HOLY BIBLE.

 “ The Holy what?” whispers Hershel
“The Holy BIBLE” whispers Mordechai
Down below all the Isrealites are dragging these huge stones up to the pyramids and they’re tired and they’re weary

And then God hears this other voice coming from … coming from… now where the hell was it coming from….. was it ….oh no.. it was coming from way way way down below…and this horrible voice had little horns and a pitch fork  

“He’s going to try to sell a book called  THE HOLY BIBLE….?”
We’ll be here forever.Ain’t no one gonna  want to read a book called The Holy Bible.
Now God being God  can hear Mordechai and Hershel whispering  to each other way down below near the pyramids.
YOU DON’T LIKE THE TITLE-? God screams
And Mordechai looks up at the heavens and he whispers up to God
“It’s okay but maybe.. a little too theatrical no?”
And God looks down at Mordechai and Hershel and he whispers “Ahh they’ll love it, kid. I swear to God they’ll love it”

And so it was that in the year 12 BC God packs up everything he owns and he goes to Hollywood to find an agent for his very own book which he called The Holy Bible
A working title.
Did he find an agent ?– did he get solicited? Did he get rich and famous and free the Israelites?
Stay tuned   next week when I can figure out how to get myself out of this ridiculous story
That’s all for moi.
TO BE CONTINUED.