True Love

Okay here we go. I want to talk about boys. I've given this a lot of thought and I think I have it down now.

If what I've heard tell is true - there are mostly woman on this web site and if that is true then I'm going to say this.

For all you girls out there who are searching for a boyfriend or a husband-I've decided that the big trick to finding a boyfriend or a husband. is not to want one at all. I tell you- you do that and they will come running- I guarantee it. Oh God I don't mean to sound simplistic but it does seem to be true. It's that old HARD TO GET SYNDROM. It really works. Take me for example.

You see it's not like I'm hard to get- I AM IMPOSSIBLE to get .I'm not sure why that is - but one thing is for sure it keeps them coming. Okay look I'll just say it - I've always done pretty well- with the fellas. and the only reason that I can come up with for that is that all these fellas can tell that I don't want a boyfriend. If I were to ever change my tune and scream out  "I'M RIGHT HERE BOYS" they'd all disappear in no time flat.

Once I was seeing this fellow in L.A and for some reason both our signals got all tangled up. You see he was used to being hard to get and so was I.

It was like he'd say ‘I'm sorry I just can't make a commitment' and I'd say ‘NO I'M SORRY I just can't make a commitment' and then he'd say ‘No I can't' and then I ‘d say ‘NO I CAN'T' and we'd spend whole days arguing with each other about who was less committed.

Don't ask me. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. The chasor and the chasee. Oui? and if you got two chasees it ain't never going to work.  If it gets past that stage then you are into TRUE LOVE and that mes amis is way out of my league..
The funny thing is that when I remember that fellow in L.A. I really was crazy about him

Okay now that I've gotten all that out of the way- there is this fella- who I've kind of got my eye on. He's the valet parker at this really chi chi restaurant beside my apartment building. I MEAN HE IS CUTE.

Anyways I got to know him because I'm scared to take my garbage out in the back lane- so I started taking out front to this garbage bin between my apartment and the chi chi restaurant and it got so every night he'd be there waiting for me-smiling this bloody huge smile. I must add here that the only thing that I ever notice about human beings is their teeth. True story. I have walked into rooms filled with people and all I see is their teeth looking up at me- . I can tell you anything you might want to know about someone's dental history. BUT if you asked me what their name was I would not have a clue. I remember once meeting these friends of mine -on the street. They were in their pickup and I was on my bike and I remember leaning into the front window of their truck to say hello and ALL I COULD SEE WERE THREE PAIRS OF TEETH smiling back at me. Weird eh?
Anyways this guy has good- we'll say good -teeth but he's got a gold piece in the back of his front tricuspid. Just sitting there being gold.

So every night at 10:30 I take out my bag of garbage and every night he is there waiting for me and THEN it get even weirder because after a few weeks he knows my name. Now, I don't know how -but he does. And I'm thinking he must've told me his name and all I can remember are his teeth. There he is being all chummy with me and all I'm doing is bending over into his mouth trying to get a look at his back molars-( 2 fillings on the right upper molars and one acrylic crown on the left lower).
 
Anyways the guy is really pushing his case and I am quite astounded. Every time I go downstairs there he is .. waiting for me.. AND I KEEP LOOKING IN BACK OF ME- thinking is he talking to me????But he is. He is really making the moves here.
So once I go downstairs with my little bag of garbage and there he is at my front door smiling with his little gold tricuspid and he says " I WANT TO TAKE YOU TO THE MOVIES."

So what do I say?

I look right at him and I say "Oh Are you going running????"
Well at that point the guy looks at me like I am completely out to lunch and he bends down like he's talking to a little kid and he whispers "Movies?"

And what do I - I bend down and whisper "Running?"

God it was like my brain could not compute.

So he just kind of shakes his head and looks at me and I turn around and run I mean really run upstairs. Anyways at this point I am starting to think that this guy is really serious. What am I going to do??? I thought it was just a harmless flirtation but he means business which means I gotta skidaddle.

Well God bless the city workers because the next day they took away the garbage bin next to my house. So now I got no reason to see him.

The problem is I still got no place to put my garbage-but I'll figure that out later.
It's not like I am avoiding him- it's just like I AM REALLY AVOIDING HIM.

You see- I guess the problem is that I have not had a dalliance in one long long time and the other problem is that he is JUST SO CUTE. You see if he was ugly or pimpley or fat but he isn't at all. In fact even his gold right tricuspid is kind of cute.

But I figure all that is water under the bridge now because there is no more garbage bin outside my apartment-so I'm not ever going to see this fellow again. Wrong again.

Did I mention that he is the valet at this restaurant? Yes I believe that I did.
Well now every time I leave my apartment after 4 o'clock there he is-waiting for these cars to park Oyy veyz Mir. He waits there in front of the restaurant and if I walk by he runs up to me screaming "Judy....Judy"

Last time he did that I got so nervous that I starting yapping to him all about the city workers and where is MY GARBAGE BIN? and just when he's going to say something I say "Oh are you going running?"

Don't ask. At this point  I've decided that I have a whole other person living inside me
that is just using my body to get around town. They are obviously a jogger, or some kind of maniacal jock and for some reason they have chosen my body to get from one place to another.

But listen- here is the aside.

What really charms me about this fellow is that he is just so persistent. It's like he hasn't heard the word on the street about being cool and hard to get. He is just so HAPPY to have this crush on me. Charming, isn't it? Yes. It is. Completely charming.
So finally I have this long talk with myself and I decide that it's high time that I had a boyfriend and  well....whatever is holding me up better just stop holding me up. I believe it's called a kick in the ass. Yes. I gave myself a good swift kick in the ass.
Which apparently made me grind my teeth.
( my mother once told me "Some people need to see a psychiatrist once a week, just to feel sane- but you, Judy, you just need to see a dentist once a week, just to feel sane." She was right. I  can reduce my whole life to 32 teeth.)

Anyways as I'm having this long talk with myself and getting madder and madder at myself I am grinding my teeth like you wouldn't believe.. and then I hear this snap.
A really loud snap. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. What'd I do? What'd did I do?
What'd did I do.
So I try to stay calm and I move my mouth around and everything feels very normal. And I look in the mirror and everything LOOKS very normal.
So I'm good to go.
Okay so this is it-my time of reckoning- I take my life in my hands and I take my little bag of garbage and I GO DOWN TO MEET MY SWEET VALET PARKER.
Ain't nothing stopping me.
Full speed ahead.
We are going to TALK. Together. Whether I like it or not.
and sure enough I get to the bottom of my stairs with my little bag and THERE HE IS...waiting for me..and he is  smiling such a BIG SMILE
No turning back, now.
No running back upstairs.
 
I am going to have a mature conversation with this fellow if it kills me.
So there he is and he's all exited and he says he's found a new garbage bin just for me.. and he wants to show it to me.
and he grabs my arm and he is just so thrilled and I open my mouth to answer him and ... and .... and...well my mouth.. I mean the bottom of my mouth..pops .
I mean the teeth on the bottom of my mouth just kind of POPPED UP. . Like a very BIG POP.
There I am trying to talk in a mature fashion and there they are 6 of my bottom teeth just keep popping up. Wherever I go there they are. POPPING .Like my whole mouth has turned into some kind of psychotic Jack in the Box
That's right , mes amis . I had a dental bridge made which cost me half of my life's savings and took half of my bottom teeth... and for some reason it had chosen just that instant in time to SNAP.

So every time I tried to open my mouth and TALK to my lovely little valet parker- my whole mouth just POPPED UP and all he could see was this mass of teeth coming straight at him.

So he's being very polite- even though he must've been scared out of his mind.
Now by this time he's standing back a bit. I guess he's scared that my whole mouth is going to come flying at him.

And he says "Here it is- your own private garbage bin."
Can you believe that? He went out and bought me my own private garbage bin
And I am so touched that I want to cry.
And I open my mouth to say how touched I am- but when I open my mouth my teeth stay closed.
So I end up making this kind of growling noise.
Like a motor that can't start.
and I try again. from another angle.
same thing. Only louder.

Wherever I go those 6 bottom teeth are following me.
Well at this point the guy starting to get very jittery.
But he cannot take his eyes off my teeth- like he is bending down looking right at them.
And I can tell that he wants to take off but he's completely fascinated .
And I can't open my mouth without 6 of my teeth hiccupping .
So finally I grab his head and I give him the biggest kiss right on his cheek. And then I run. I run like there's no tomorrow-right back to my house and my apartment. And now I'm safe.
You see I was A LADY.I had a mature conversation with this fellow.
And  I'm thinking. NOW I'm off the hook. If God was watching he shrugged his shoulders and said
"Well- she gave it her best shot."
which I did - if you didn't count my 6 bottom molars.
Anyways yesterday I walked right into this fellow and I ‘m thinking to myself  "whatever I do- I MUST NOT  open your mouth ."
I'm going to scare this guy out of his mind if he sees my teeth coming at him.
So I smile a very lady like smile and what does he say
He says "I want to drink coffee with you."
I WAS SHOCKED. REALLY.
Would you want to drink coffee with someone who has maniac teeth?
So what do I do?
I pinch his cheek and I wink.
And he winks.
And I wink.
And then I walk away.
The next move is up to him.
At least I think that's how it works.. isn't it?.
God only knows.
But one thing I know for sure.
I'm changing dentists- right now.
I may not know much about true love but I know everything about dentists and I need a new one.
That's it for moi.

Judy Mann

About Judy

Judy has spent her time resarching basic physics, designing stage sets for Greek tragedies, being an indoor wireman, and running her own marketing company.  All of this experience has been put to good use in her comedy writing, which she has done for CBC Television and Radio.